Try fitting the mold until it means nothing to you anymore. We undergo things to discover a more authentic path to self. What may appear as the right path in the beginning might not be for what you have evolved today. The beauty of life is its constant reinvention, continuously refining towards self individuation/actualization/knowing. We rode the boat of the good girl and once we get to the island, the boat must be burned. Leave all behind to do the great work of SELF. There is good in our authenticity, only if we are not too busy to see it. Keep rocking Caroline, sipping mindfully on freshly brewed kape ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes!! I love this! That being alive is a practice of continual shifting and changing. I can’t be who I was yesterday because the time has passed! Thank you 🙏
-- What a beautiful essay, Caroline. Unlearning these lessons involves challenging ingrained beliefs about what defines ‘goodness’ and reevaluating personal values to prioritize fulfillment and self-expression. As you rightfully pointed out, it’s much more than a lesson; I think perhaps, even more so for us women. It can sometimes feel like an obscure tale, where light only comes from achieving specific standards of perfection. Balancing this can be complicated, making it hard to find our inner peace. Xo.
It’s such a hard balance, right? Being good should be a goal of mine…and yet it feels like sometimes I need to buck against it in order to shake free. It’s a lesson…always. Thank you❤️
Follow your gut. Your true self. Intuition, instinct, your soul. Listen to that little voice that says: no, this is wrong.
If it feels wrong. It usually is.
Sometimes accompanied by headaches or stomachaches… when I tried to fit myself into yet another ridiculous role or box…
Women are The Mother, we have the wisdom, we give life, we raise the future generations ( mostly ).
We crave harmony, safety, balance and love.
Women were sacred once, so was the family.
Man didn’t like for us to have all that power…
declared us hysterical and weak and of course stupid … woman was silenced ( at times by burning on stakes ) subjugated, abused, belittled, enslaved and so on…. Still happening…
The balance was destroyed.
He took over the world.
Craving power.
Church, government, industry, medicine, the courts…
Yes, this is true!! I’m the best decider for what is the right path for me. I can be the only decision maker. And it takes boldness. Thank you for being here!
This is uncanny though I shouldn’t be surprised by our brains talking in the ether. Tomorrow I publish a piece on shedding my goodness. Next week—in confronting the myth of the “good baby.” And honestly, I’m finding myself quite scared to do it…especially the one tomorrow. Grateful to be in this good (& bad) company. Thank you 🧡
Like your story “stumbling and tumbling through a decade”. We did this too, falling and crawling, Many still are stumbling and tumbling. Like your story.
I’m glad you were good. Males usually don’t get away with it, I didn’t. Survival meant that a lot of jocks needed to believe you were crazy enough to hurt them.
Oh, Caroline, I can relate to this. I was always part of the solution even if the problem had nothing to do with me. Soul crushing after you wake up and can’t get the validation feels anymore.
When I started writing I read a lot of Anne Lamott, because she’s the oracle. This passage took my breath away.
“I never used to take my turn. I always gave my turn away. I helped others have a great turn. I must have had a clipboard by the time I was six, because by then I had a whole caseload of people to keep track of. After they had all gotten a turn, then maybe I could go, if there was time and it didn't bother anyone.
Caroline, this essay is a punch in the gut in the best way. I’ve reached a point in my life, like you, where I’m questioning why I’m a good girl. And since I also have a young daughter I worry about teaching her to be the good girl. Thank you for articulating so beautifully why I’ve struggled to articulate even to myself. ❤️
Excellent essay, Caroline. This is something I can relate to well. My parents passed on when I was young, so I've stayed with all sorts of people - aunts, uncles, guardians. Here, I learned to be good, because not being so would have consequences.
I was careful not to let these realities stifle my inner self though and, by the time I was living on my own (mostly after joining university and onward), I generally was doing things because they made sense to me.
Glad you were able to reclaim you assertiveness, starting to do things because you wanted to, not because you felt you had to.
I think this is something that we'll all have to learn to do; I think being children always comes with elements of wanting to be "good" to earn people's approval, especially parents. I think one who doesn't outgrow this has sacrificed himself/herself.
Patrick thank you so much for being here and sharing! I’m sorry that you experienced such massive loss at a young age.
There’s something so pervasive about that “good” archetype…I’m glad your inner you wasn’t stifled and that you continued to share your authentic self with all of us 🤍
I love this Caroline! Felt like you pulled those words straight from my own mind.
I too was sat next to the 'naughty' kids, in the hope my 'goodness' would set the example and lead them the 'right' way. I had (and still have) a lot of creativity and curiosity to share which was stifled for many years because I was trying to please everyone as I was taught to 😔
Now I'm letting my creativity and curiosity run free and enjoying every moment of it! 😊
Oh my, just the quote at the beginning had my mind/brain/soul/spirit and every other part of me racing down a rabbit hole, trying to escape the truth of that!!!
The weird thing is that the more I considered/pondered it, the more I realized it wasn't my MOM or DAD who tried to get me to do the right things, it was something inherent IN me. My mom's approach was, "Well, did you to the pluses and minuses paper yet?" on things and even when I occasionally got into trouble (which for me was hardly trouble), we just would sit and chat about it.
So the question or situation is, it seems this, as you suggested, is hard-wired in us...in girls it seems more than boys.
Interestingly enough, the past many months of health issues have brought me to a place of "F-- no, I don't have to be talked to that way and no, I don't want to do that for you and no, I'm not filling the damn census form out...I don't care if it's required by law and they send out a zillion reminders."
Elisabeth, it’s from Lyz Lenz new book This American Ex-Wife! It’s an incredible read that I cannot recommend enough. She also has a great substack called Men Yell at Me.
Yeah, I so connect with this. Like of course my parents encouraged me to be good but they weren’t insane or militant about it, I pushed myself more than they did.
I’m so happy you’re speaking your truth and telling others to shove it when it’s deserved ☺️
Beautiful beautiful beautiful, Caroline. I have had a piece sitting in my notebook called "good girl" just waiting to be finished - you have inspired me! It is wild to notice all the assumptions that compose the word "good." Good child, good girlfriend, good student, good employee... good good good. And the apparent threats of not being "good." How arbitrary that word is. How boring. I am so here for your jagged edges and messy reclamation <3
It all starts with the “good baby” phrase. Being good is revered for sure. It’s never too late to be 100% you and let it all unfold
Ohhh yes! And my parents like to say I was the easiest and best baby around lolol
Katy yes!!! I just drafted a piece about the phrase “good baby.” I can’t stand it!!
Amen to that Katy!
Try fitting the mold until it means nothing to you anymore. We undergo things to discover a more authentic path to self. What may appear as the right path in the beginning might not be for what you have evolved today. The beauty of life is its constant reinvention, continuously refining towards self individuation/actualization/knowing. We rode the boat of the good girl and once we get to the island, the boat must be burned. Leave all behind to do the great work of SELF. There is good in our authenticity, only if we are not too busy to see it. Keep rocking Caroline, sipping mindfully on freshly brewed kape ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes!! I love this! That being alive is a practice of continual shifting and changing. I can’t be who I was yesterday because the time has passed! Thank you 🙏
Caroline,
It's wonderful to read the progression of your thoughts in this essay. I think everyone can relate to your struggle against being typecast.
I was the good child. It had a lot to do with my older sibling and watching what happened to her when she misbehaved.
Thanks for this essay.
David, thank you so much!! I did watch my younger brother get in so much trouble and I was always jealous by how little it bothered him.
LOVED EVERY WORD OF THIS ❤️❤️
SOBBING!!! Thank you 😊
-- What a beautiful essay, Caroline. Unlearning these lessons involves challenging ingrained beliefs about what defines ‘goodness’ and reevaluating personal values to prioritize fulfillment and self-expression. As you rightfully pointed out, it’s much more than a lesson; I think perhaps, even more so for us women. It can sometimes feel like an obscure tale, where light only comes from achieving specific standards of perfection. Balancing this can be complicated, making it hard to find our inner peace. Xo.
It’s such a hard balance, right? Being good should be a goal of mine…and yet it feels like sometimes I need to buck against it in order to shake free. It’s a lesson…always. Thank you❤️
Follow your gut. Your true self. Intuition, instinct, your soul. Listen to that little voice that says: no, this is wrong.
If it feels wrong. It usually is.
Sometimes accompanied by headaches or stomachaches… when I tried to fit myself into yet another ridiculous role or box…
Women are The Mother, we have the wisdom, we give life, we raise the future generations ( mostly ).
We crave harmony, safety, balance and love.
Women were sacred once, so was the family.
Man didn’t like for us to have all that power…
declared us hysterical and weak and of course stupid … woman was silenced ( at times by burning on stakes ) subjugated, abused, belittled, enslaved and so on…. Still happening…
The balance was destroyed.
He took over the world.
Craving power.
Church, government, industry, medicine, the courts…
And just look at the world today.
Imbalances on every level. Disastrous ones.
Yes, this is true!! I’m the best decider for what is the right path for me. I can be the only decision maker. And it takes boldness. Thank you for being here!
Thank you!! I admire your courage, vulnerability and strength!!
You’ve got this!!
Let’s keep up the “good” fight!! :)
Love and light.
This is uncanny though I shouldn’t be surprised by our brains talking in the ether. Tomorrow I publish a piece on shedding my goodness. Next week—in confronting the myth of the “good baby.” And honestly, I’m finding myself quite scared to do it…especially the one tomorrow. Grateful to be in this good (& bad) company. Thank you 🧡
I’m growing more and more sure that we are the same.
But isn’t shedding so much easier when it’s a group effort?! I cannot wait to read both pieces. Thank you ❤️
Like your story “stumbling and tumbling through a decade”. We did this too, falling and crawling, Many still are stumbling and tumbling. Like your story.
Thank you so much 😊
This is good. We on the good side, keep shinning, keep radiating! Nice photo too ❤️
I LOVED Winnie the Pooh more than anything!!
I’m glad you were good. Males usually don’t get away with it, I didn’t. Survival meant that a lot of jocks needed to believe you were crazy enough to hurt them.
It’s an entirely different dynamic.
Oh, Caroline, I can relate to this. I was always part of the solution even if the problem had nothing to do with me. Soul crushing after you wake up and can’t get the validation feels anymore.
When I started writing I read a lot of Anne Lamott, because she’s the oracle. This passage took my breath away.
“I never used to take my turn. I always gave my turn away. I helped others have a great turn. I must have had a clipboard by the time I was six, because by then I had a whole caseload of people to keep track of. After they had all gotten a turn, then maybe I could go, if there was time and it didn't bother anyone.
Now I take my turn, as a radical act.”
Oh my goodness, YES!! The solution to problems that weren’t even mine! Thank you and thanks Anne 🤍🤍
Such different dynamics but it makes we sad that we’re forced into these seemingly unnecessary and unnatural boxes. Thank you for being here 🤍
Thank you for that!
I love quotes!
Well behaved women seldomly make history.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Thank you!! Both of those quotes are exactly what we need to hear!
Caroline, this essay is a punch in the gut in the best way. I’ve reached a point in my life, like you, where I’m questioning why I’m a good girl. And since I also have a young daughter I worry about teaching her to be the good girl. Thank you for articulating so beautifully why I’ve struggled to articulate even to myself. ❤️
Sri! We’re busting free! We want others to know that they can be more — that we all lose when we are boxed in. I’m so grateful for your presence 🤍
Excellent essay, Caroline. This is something I can relate to well. My parents passed on when I was young, so I've stayed with all sorts of people - aunts, uncles, guardians. Here, I learned to be good, because not being so would have consequences.
I was careful not to let these realities stifle my inner self though and, by the time I was living on my own (mostly after joining university and onward), I generally was doing things because they made sense to me.
Glad you were able to reclaim you assertiveness, starting to do things because you wanted to, not because you felt you had to.
I think this is something that we'll all have to learn to do; I think being children always comes with elements of wanting to be "good" to earn people's approval, especially parents. I think one who doesn't outgrow this has sacrificed himself/herself.
Thank you, and, once again, an excellent essay.
Patrick thank you so much for being here and sharing! I’m sorry that you experienced such massive loss at a young age.
There’s something so pervasive about that “good” archetype…I’m glad your inner you wasn’t stifled and that you continued to share your authentic self with all of us 🤍
Dayum Caroline. You do know how to speak to the truth. Nice piece
Thank you Rosana!!!
I love this Caroline! Felt like you pulled those words straight from my own mind.
I too was sat next to the 'naughty' kids, in the hope my 'goodness' would set the example and lead them the 'right' way. I had (and still have) a lot of creativity and curiosity to share which was stifled for many years because I was trying to please everyone as I was taught to 😔
Now I'm letting my creativity and curiosity run free and enjoying every moment of it! 😊
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much!! I’m sorry for the little girls we were but I’m taking comfort in our shared experience 🤍
Oh my, just the quote at the beginning had my mind/brain/soul/spirit and every other part of me racing down a rabbit hole, trying to escape the truth of that!!!
The weird thing is that the more I considered/pondered it, the more I realized it wasn't my MOM or DAD who tried to get me to do the right things, it was something inherent IN me. My mom's approach was, "Well, did you to the pluses and minuses paper yet?" on things and even when I occasionally got into trouble (which for me was hardly trouble), we just would sit and chat about it.
So the question or situation is, it seems this, as you suggested, is hard-wired in us...in girls it seems more than boys.
Interestingly enough, the past many months of health issues have brought me to a place of "F-- no, I don't have to be talked to that way and no, I don't want to do that for you and no, I'm not filling the damn census form out...I don't care if it's required by law and they send out a zillion reminders."
:-). Love, Elisabeth
Elisabeth, it’s from Lyz Lenz new book This American Ex-Wife! It’s an incredible read that I cannot recommend enough. She also has a great substack called Men Yell at Me.
Yeah, I so connect with this. Like of course my parents encouraged me to be good but they weren’t insane or militant about it, I pushed myself more than they did.
I’m so happy you’re speaking your truth and telling others to shove it when it’s deserved ☺️
I think the best thing we can teach daughters and girls everywhere is that they need to say NO more often.
I’m thinking of an interview Helen Mirren did…she was asked do you have any regrets and she said “I wish I had told more people to fuck off”
Brilliant!
Beautiful beautiful beautiful, Caroline. I have had a piece sitting in my notebook called "good girl" just waiting to be finished - you have inspired me! It is wild to notice all the assumptions that compose the word "good." Good child, good girlfriend, good student, good employee... good good good. And the apparent threats of not being "good." How arbitrary that word is. How boring. I am so here for your jagged edges and messy reclamation <3
Yes!! I hope you finish it and then share it with the rest of us good girls!! lol.
Thank you for being here 🤍
Thank you for being such a great force in this world ♥️