I feel like girls pick up the nice messaging at a young age, if not at home then in western civilization in general. Just finished Elise Loehnen’s book - On Our Best Behavior. Have you read it? It might resonate 🤍
Language is important. You can be thoughtful and kind without being apologetic. Example- Back to back zoom meetings can delay me to be on time. I’ve been saying ‘thank you for waiting’ vs ‘sorry I am late’ for about a year now- definitely sends a different message without being rude. I don’t want to apologize to someone unless I have done something wrong.
So brilliant on every level. Maybe it’s because I watch people’s lives unravel in ICU rooms that I have a different view. The environment taught me how to read people’s faces and body language. Also the mandatory violence prevention training helped a lot too. Haha not funny. Anyway I was chatting with a nice enough man at the farmers market the other week and he insisted on carrying my bags to the car to finish the conversation. Okay fair enough and it was a crowded space, but it just felt weird. I felt a vibe, kind of snatched my bags said thanks and watched his whole demeanor change. I’m still not sure which one of us wasn’t being authentic though. 🤔
I always love kindness AND sometimes kindness can get you killed. It’s like a tightrope walk being a woman. Weighing when to be stern and when we have to choose nice because it might save our lives. There are so many stories of women rejecting men then dealing with violence.
Sometimes it just makes your life easier being agreeable and quickly moving on.
I love this exploration!
I’m here for the all the cringy authentic glory!!!! ❤️🔥
Yes to all of this! And I think part of the problem is I like the theory of a “stern” Caroline more than the reality of one! Unfortunately or fortunately I’m always going to be cringey. 😬
I like your thoughts on being too polite. It's important to be safe, but also to be true to ourselves. We can have more real connections by thinking about why we always try to please others, thanks for sharing Carol.
I think that’s the most interesting part - we think these lies can help make us more attractive and easier to connect with. But what if it’s the opposite?!
So0o0oo0 relatable, Caroline. Pretty much any time any man approaches me "out in the wild," I'm immediately on guard. It sucks - but it is reality. Too much creepy shit has happened for me to not be weirded out when you try to talk to me at the gas station. Like, no thanks, man. Actually screw the thanks. Just, no.
I know I'm getting into the details and making generalizations of men here, but this has been my general experience... I know I could fend for myself and probably do some serious damage to someone with nefarious intentions, but the fact that I am compelled to jump to that scenario in my mind is a testament to the fact that most men (at least in my experience) seem not to know how to approach a woman with an attitude that is not immediately invasive. Like maybe this is more an issue of people not knowing how to respect others' space and/or the icky feeling of someone being presumptuous. I dunno... but either way, great piece Caroline. Super thought provoking.
How could your direct experiences not impact how you react the world?!? And if we weren’t so on guard, people would judge that too!!
I’ve had a lot of time to think about this experience and I don’t think he meant any harm…but I want to educate him lol! Like that’s a method that is never going to work for you. And I don’t give out my number to strangers, even if they’re women.
I love how you mined the reality of platitudes from a less than ideal situation. I wish we lived in a world where women could move towards more radically honest selves without fear of physical repercussions or their general safety!
Ahh this is so good Caroline and I’m totally guilty of this as well. I say sorry to people who bump into me all the time! Why? 🙈 I love how you captured the nuance here, it’s not about saying everything that comes to our minds nor is it about squashing our true feelings to make others feel more comfortable, but I am definitely with you on the journey to finding that space where we can just be without thinking about how our little actions will be interpreted and whether we’re being nice enough to those who aren’t being that nice to us. 🤍🤍🤍
im exactly the opposite so we won't go there with all the introspection...BUT i think you may have unwittingly coined a Harris for President ad: "Would you rather run into a J D Vance in the woods (or furniture outlet) or a Tim Walz?!!?? xo
Karen and Georgia of My Favorite Murder podcast taught me to fuck politeness. If your danger spidey sense is going off, protect yourself and apologize later. The #1 killer of women is men (I just made that up but you get it)
"In an ideal world, I'd have shut him down without fear of repercussions. But in this world, sometimes you have to bury a bit of yourself and bite your tongue to stay safe.” Oh my god, Caroline! This hits so close to home, and it makes my blood boil knowing we still have to compromise for our own safety.
You know this one spoke to me deeply! I haven’t read through the comments on this one (there are 77 right now clearly this one resonated! 😍) but basically this is the fawn response…an important part of our survival, just like you said! It’s a way to keep ourselves alive and safe. It’s a very misunderstood fear response especially when it comes to women responding to men. I struggle with this response particularly because even though my friends aren’t going to eat me alive if I say no, my brain likes to think so which is why I say yes anyway 🙃 I’m joining this fight with you for sure! Also, I’m sorry this happened to you and Delilah!
Lindsey, thank you!! And thank you for highlighting that fawning is a legitimate fear response. I don’t know that I ever looked at it quite like you described. And it’s so clear how that response can be misinterpreted by everyone involved.
But you’re also right…why do I do this with the people I love too? Being alive is a wild ride 😬
I do think I'm generally quite friendly and approachable but there was a time that I had to make a shift in the way that I...present to the world. Resting bitch face came more into play and saying less has become a superpower (coming from a yapper, this took time) It was mostly an energy shift, or at least that's the best way I can explain it, a sort of 'dont fuck with me energy', and only the ones who had the ill intentions would feel it.
I used to be very smiley and the one who said "oh, so sorry!", "aww thank you" to people who didn't need an apology or a thank you for their unwarranted backhanded compliment. I went out of my way, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. A layer of that still exists but not as much as it once did. I had to feel quite jaded and resentful before I got to a place of growth. Jobs, friendships, etc. Those social niceties as you mentioned can, unfortunately, be many women's downfall. I too, was one of those people who apologized to someone else for stepping on MY toe which is absolutely ridiculous.
Let's do it friends, say what we want and mean it!
I so relate to everything you lay out here…what feels natural and how you’ve had to adjust and modulate yourself. I do proudly claim my resting bitch face now though because it’s literally just my face 🤣
Gosh yes, I recognise this! My English upbringing definitely didn't help... That fawn response does help keep us safe in some situations (keep your friends close and your enemies closer) but damn it wastes a lot of energy and gets in the way of getting our needs met sometimes!!
I feel like girls pick up the nice messaging at a young age, if not at home then in western civilization in general. Just finished Elise Loehnen’s book - On Our Best Behavior. Have you read it? It might resonate 🤍
Language is important. You can be thoughtful and kind without being apologetic. Example- Back to back zoom meetings can delay me to be on time. I’ve been saying ‘thank you for waiting’ vs ‘sorry I am late’ for about a year now- definitely sends a different message without being rude. I don’t want to apologize to someone unless I have done something wrong.
I loved On Our Best Behavior!!
I completely agree! And don’t have to include sorrys to make myself seem more polite…they are other options!! I appreciate your insight 💗
This is a brilliant response to Zoom meetings. Stealing!
Yes on girls and early age conditioning to ingratiate ourself in every instance.
So brilliant on every level. Maybe it’s because I watch people’s lives unravel in ICU rooms that I have a different view. The environment taught me how to read people’s faces and body language. Also the mandatory violence prevention training helped a lot too. Haha not funny. Anyway I was chatting with a nice enough man at the farmers market the other week and he insisted on carrying my bags to the car to finish the conversation. Okay fair enough and it was a crowded space, but it just felt weird. I felt a vibe, kind of snatched my bags said thanks and watched his whole demeanor change. I’m still not sure which one of us wasn’t being authentic though. 🤔
Kristin, I can only imagine the honesty you’ve seen at work…it is a place where I would imagine people are forced to push away the lies!
And I know exactly what you’re talking…you feel weird but think “maybe I’m wrong and I’ll look like I’m an asshole.” I’m glad you went with your gut!!
Me too. The truth is always a gift, just an ugly one sometimes. ❤️
I always love kindness AND sometimes kindness can get you killed. It’s like a tightrope walk being a woman. Weighing when to be stern and when we have to choose nice because it might save our lives. There are so many stories of women rejecting men then dealing with violence.
Sometimes it just makes your life easier being agreeable and quickly moving on.
I love this exploration!
I’m here for the all the cringy authentic glory!!!! ❤️🔥
Yes to all of this! And I think part of the problem is I like the theory of a “stern” Caroline more than the reality of one! Unfortunately or fortunately I’m always going to be cringey. 😬
How I adore your presence through it all 💗
With time, you’ll love the reality of stern Caroline. 😎💥
You’re right! She’ll be fun 🤩
It makes me eternally enraged, but I always play up to the scary dudes. Safety first.
Right?! I’d rather walk away annoyed at myself than you know…not walk away. Thanks for being here 😊
I like your thoughts on being too polite. It's important to be safe, but also to be true to ourselves. We can have more real connections by thinking about why we always try to please others, thanks for sharing Carol.
I think that’s the most interesting part - we think these lies can help make us more attractive and easier to connect with. But what if it’s the opposite?!
Thanks for being here!
So0o0oo0 relatable, Caroline. Pretty much any time any man approaches me "out in the wild," I'm immediately on guard. It sucks - but it is reality. Too much creepy shit has happened for me to not be weirded out when you try to talk to me at the gas station. Like, no thanks, man. Actually screw the thanks. Just, no.
I know I'm getting into the details and making generalizations of men here, but this has been my general experience... I know I could fend for myself and probably do some serious damage to someone with nefarious intentions, but the fact that I am compelled to jump to that scenario in my mind is a testament to the fact that most men (at least in my experience) seem not to know how to approach a woman with an attitude that is not immediately invasive. Like maybe this is more an issue of people not knowing how to respect others' space and/or the icky feeling of someone being presumptuous. I dunno... but either way, great piece Caroline. Super thought provoking.
How could your direct experiences not impact how you react the world?!? And if we weren’t so on guard, people would judge that too!!
I’ve had a lot of time to think about this experience and I don’t think he meant any harm…but I want to educate him lol! Like that’s a method that is never going to work for you. And I don’t give out my number to strangers, even if they’re women.
Back in the day you’d give someone the local number for information (I.e., 212-555-1212). 😂😂
Haha exactly!!
I like to use (insert local area code) + 867-5309. 🎶 😅
Love it! Only a child of the 80’s would come up with that.
I feel seen 😄
I love how you mined the reality of platitudes from a less than ideal situation. I wish we lived in a world where women could move towards more radically honest selves without fear of physical repercussions or their general safety!
Ahhhh being a human being 🫠
Thank you for being here 💗
Ahh this is so good Caroline and I’m totally guilty of this as well. I say sorry to people who bump into me all the time! Why? 🙈 I love how you captured the nuance here, it’s not about saying everything that comes to our minds nor is it about squashing our true feelings to make others feel more comfortable, but I am definitely with you on the journey to finding that space where we can just be without thinking about how our little actions will be interpreted and whether we’re being nice enough to those who aren’t being that nice to us. 🤍🤍🤍
Yes!!! This exactly, I just want to get to a place that feels a little more genuine! Thank you, my friend!! 💗
im exactly the opposite so we won't go there with all the introspection...BUT i think you may have unwittingly coined a Harris for President ad: "Would you rather run into a J D Vance in the woods (or furniture outlet) or a Tim Walz?!!?? xo
Ha you know I want to run into NO ONE!! Ever. Maybe Huron and definitely Duchess!!
🐕🐶🙈
Karen and Georgia of My Favorite Murder podcast taught me to fuck politeness. If your danger spidey sense is going off, protect yourself and apologize later. The #1 killer of women is men (I just made that up but you get it)
I’ve heard of them! I need to start listening…but I do think that statistic is true 😭
"In an ideal world, I'd have shut him down without fear of repercussions. But in this world, sometimes you have to bury a bit of yourself and bite your tongue to stay safe.” Oh my god, Caroline! This hits so close to home, and it makes my blood boil knowing we still have to compromise for our own safety.
Right?!? It’s such a cruel balance!!
I think a more appropriate response would be: wtf!
I don't go out for walks anymore. Attacked by too many loose 🐕 🐶
You know this one spoke to me deeply! I haven’t read through the comments on this one (there are 77 right now clearly this one resonated! 😍) but basically this is the fawn response…an important part of our survival, just like you said! It’s a way to keep ourselves alive and safe. It’s a very misunderstood fear response especially when it comes to women responding to men. I struggle with this response particularly because even though my friends aren’t going to eat me alive if I say no, my brain likes to think so which is why I say yes anyway 🙃 I’m joining this fight with you for sure! Also, I’m sorry this happened to you and Delilah!
Lindsey, thank you!! And thank you for highlighting that fawning is a legitimate fear response. I don’t know that I ever looked at it quite like you described. And it’s so clear how that response can be misinterpreted by everyone involved.
But you’re also right…why do I do this with the people I love too? Being alive is a wild ride 😬
I do think I'm generally quite friendly and approachable but there was a time that I had to make a shift in the way that I...present to the world. Resting bitch face came more into play and saying less has become a superpower (coming from a yapper, this took time) It was mostly an energy shift, or at least that's the best way I can explain it, a sort of 'dont fuck with me energy', and only the ones who had the ill intentions would feel it.
I used to be very smiley and the one who said "oh, so sorry!", "aww thank you" to people who didn't need an apology or a thank you for their unwarranted backhanded compliment. I went out of my way, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. A layer of that still exists but not as much as it once did. I had to feel quite jaded and resentful before I got to a place of growth. Jobs, friendships, etc. Those social niceties as you mentioned can, unfortunately, be many women's downfall. I too, was one of those people who apologized to someone else for stepping on MY toe which is absolutely ridiculous.
Let's do it friends, say what we want and mean it!
I so relate to everything you lay out here…what feels natural and how you’ve had to adjust and modulate yourself. I do proudly claim my resting bitch face now though because it’s literally just my face 🤣
Thank you 💗
I love a girl who smiles back all day every day, but sorry boys, BYE! RBF is in town to stay.
Haha yes!! And I think we’re still friendly!
Gosh yes, I recognise this! My English upbringing definitely didn't help... That fawn response does help keep us safe in some situations (keep your friends close and your enemies closer) but damn it wastes a lot of energy and gets in the way of getting our needs met sometimes!!
Thank you!! Ahh yes the waste of energy! But maybe it’s for the best…who knows 🙃