It’s not time to make the donuts. We all have are own timeline, some things can’t be forced. How many times I my life I used the line; “Hell I don’t know”! “If it happens you will be the last to know”. Finally married at 34.
Stunning! And I don't know if it will bring you any comfort or not, but here on the other side of stable-partner-and-kids these questions continue. "When are you going back to work?" "What will you do when your kids are both at school?" "You'll be so forlorn" First of all, SO rude to assume I won't be blissing the fuck out in my own company for at least a month straight; and second of all, there are still so many limiting logistics... and and and! third of all... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?!? I don't know! Then people try make me feel better by reminding me how many hobbies and interests I USED to have. Yes, I miss myself too.
Like they see me aging out of the childcare part of the regularly scheduled programming so I Must, for their entertainment, be already planning some exciting new thing. I want to lie on the couch in a foetal position... does that work?
Anyway, maybe this won't make you feel better, but people suck at connecting regardless of how well you're following the template :') Also, I need to know about the foot thing.
Ah, thank you.I needed an interaction like this today. And honestly, I would genuinely love to have every single one of these conversations. Antique brass, plants, and all.
Practical question! How does one start a more meaningful conversation. We're not always feeling our most brave and charming.
Like... "Say, what are you into these days?" "WHATS YOUR DEAL, CAROLINE?" :DD
But you’ve hit my weak spot…I don’t know. Maybe you just dive in head first? Am I just complaining without a solution, you bet! So on brand for me lolol
Maybe you have to do what I do with my mother in law and just go first before they have a chance, and just take the reins of the conversation... if they don't have a chance to say anything they won't be able to ask weird questions 🤭🤭
I feel for you because I suffer from what I call the 'ricochet' effect. My son is single by choice. He's smart, has a great job, a busy social life, a house and he's happy! Yet my friends and extended family often sidle up to the question they're dying to ask, "Soooo, does Eric have a girlfriend yet?" No, he doesn't! But the fact that he doesn't want a relationship and children, like their sons or daughters do, doesn't mean he's lonely and miserable. He's building a life that's right for him. It sounds like you are too, so you go, girl!
Linda, I’m so glad you left this comment! My mom called me a few weeks ago to complain about these questions and being in a similar position, having to swat off all these questions about her child. She was the one who suggested I write something about it!! Thank you so much!!
Marriage and kids are beautiful, and I find talking about them incredibly dull. It’s such low-hanging fruit that it tells me almost nothing about the person. I think it makes people who haven’t done the work of defining who they are on their terms more comfortable, which I understand, but also…try a little harder. Be a little braver. Asking someone who isn’t married or has children about marriage and children is like asking a woman if she’s pregnant…just don’t. (And this is coming from someone who is getting married 🙋🏻♀️) My choices are my own, but that doesn’t mean someone else wants to do the same. 💥❤️🔥
And the foot thing…😂😂😂😂 I LOVE YOU. I like feet when they are freshly washed.
But yes to all of this!! I would literally rather you read me to absolute filth. That would be more exciting and less predictable. And I think the thing that I hate most is that because it hasn’t happened yet, people start to assume it’ll never happen…just stop!! For example— you and Joe!!! Finding that magic takes time. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
(Delilah and I equally hate feet. Even super clean ones with a cute polish 🤣)
👏👏👏 precisely!! It does take so much time. It’s probably why so many marriages fail because people are jumping into them instead of finding out what they want and need first. If I got married at 29, 30… I’d probably be divorced by now 😬😂
Ugh thanks for naming this, I'm definitely feeling you on this entire struggle. I've gotten to the point where I have a hard time even mentioning when I'm dating someone new, as that seems to open the floodgates of questions I don't want to answer.
I really appreciating the naming of the questioners probably just wanting to connect, just doing it with the wrong questions. One thing I've really tried to lean into lately is asking questions along the lines of "So what's really alive for you right now?", "What are you super excited for / looking forward to these days?", or even "What's been a big struggle over the last couple months, if you'd be open to talking about that?". Open ended, yet hopefully getting into more connection and sparking some excitement or emotion, instead of asking something really specific. And it gives the person I'm questioning a bit more autonomy about how deep they do or don't want to go. Still an experiment, but I'm enjoying the results so far.
I’ve felt those floodgates open too!! But I love these questions. They are specific yet open ended so people can take it wherever feels natural to them. Hope it’s okay that I steal some for my daily life 😄
Aunt Margaret and my mom would make great friends. Can’t casually talk about someone without the, “Ohhh, is this someone special?” And if they are indeed just a friend, they lose all intrinsic value.
"…reaching for connection through a template, missing the real person sitting right in front of them" – that is such a good description. It's one step removed from questions about the weather, the easiest thing to reach for, but without really acknowledging who you're talking to. Sorry you're on the receiving end of such tone deaf questions, Caroline.
I get it. Sometimes if you get those same people one-on-one you find they're not really interested in the "template" either and if you can both get past that hurdle, you're into much more interesting territory. But it can take a lot of effort to budge the conversation into a different gear. And some are just unbudgeable!
I love this so much Caroline. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are so many more interesting conversations to be had! I love how you approach the questioners with understanding too, I think it’s such an important part of nudging people to change. You understand that it’s not coming from a bad place but nevertheless it’s got to stop. Beautifully articulated. 👏
Yes! I think it’s so important to acknowledge when people mean well…and offer them a bit of honesty about what it feels like to be on the other side of the questions.
I have something in drafts I need to work on similar to this but within the baby loss community. “When will you try for another?” The dreaded question for bereaved parents asked by well meaning people.
“I’m not just craving a new kind of conversation — I’m practically begging for it. The kind sparked by real curiosity, that celebrates each person, our unique paths and unplanned joys. The kind that breaks us free from scripted stories and lets us see each other, instead of the boxes we’re supposed to check.” Aaaaanndd this is why I’m getting divorced 🤣🫣🫣 I’ve realised this is like oxygen for me. I’ve spent years without this kind of conversation, within my marriage, at least. It sounds like Aunt Margaret has, too?! Thank you for writing this. It’s raw and real and honest ❤️
Say it louder, Caroline! I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around the ‘right’ comment filled with the ‘right’ words. But hell, your fire and frustration and that spark that makes you *you* rang true throughout this and rocked my world. I know who I’d want to be seated next to at Thanksgiving and it’s not Aunt Margaret.
Beautifully written, so rich, expressive, comprehensive all the while being deliciously funny! Wow! You nailed it. I could talk endlessly about this topic, preferably with some very good wine as an accompaniment. It’s funny. It’s sad. It’s painful. The Haves and the Have Nots. Except that the Haves keep looking over enviously at the Have Nots. So it can be “Poor you” or “Why, what still no one…”, OR “you don’t know how lucky you are”. The grass isn’t always greener but gee that’s not to say I wouldn’t mind the occasional shrub. Bravo Caroline ! (Goes off with macchiato in hand to read about the Oxford Comma…)
I absolutely love the fact that you recognize what they are missing but trying to shoehorn you into a traditional template…that you are so much more than that. What a holiday it would be if we skip all the inquiries and go straight to “what celebrity would you most like to stay up all night with?” or “what piece of advice do you wish you knew earlier in life?” Or the Oxford comma, but the only correct answer is YES.
You rock, Caroline. Keep being exactly yourself because you’re a gem 💎
Why do I get the feeling if I was behind Aunt Margaret in the checkout line I’d know her life story — and yours — before anyone asks: paper or plastic? We were married 14 years before we became interesting and had kids, so we can relate
Great writing here. Sorry you get asked that during the family get togethers. I for one don’t ever remember being asked if I planned to get married or have kids by family members in my younger years. I don’t know what that says about me. Though I imagine it’s because there are other people in the extended family who never married or have kids. My mom does get curious about her adult grandkids getting married, but she likes kids and would love to have a great grandkid to spoil before she passes away.
I’m glad to hear that was your experience and every familiar does have its own little culture. I do think southern traditions also make this question pop up a lot for my people….
It’s not time to make the donuts. We all have are own timeline, some things can’t be forced. How many times I my life I used the line; “Hell I don’t know”! “If it happens you will be the last to know”. Finally married at 34.
“You will be the last to know” 🤣🤣🤣
But now I want some actual donuts…
Stunning! And I don't know if it will bring you any comfort or not, but here on the other side of stable-partner-and-kids these questions continue. "When are you going back to work?" "What will you do when your kids are both at school?" "You'll be so forlorn" First of all, SO rude to assume I won't be blissing the fuck out in my own company for at least a month straight; and second of all, there are still so many limiting logistics... and and and! third of all... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?!? I don't know! Then people try make me feel better by reminding me how many hobbies and interests I USED to have. Yes, I miss myself too.
Like they see me aging out of the childcare part of the regularly scheduled programming so I Must, for their entertainment, be already planning some exciting new thing. I want to lie on the couch in a foetal position... does that work?
Anyway, maybe this won't make you feel better, but people suck at connecting regardless of how well you're following the template :') Also, I need to know about the foot thing.
EVERY. WORD. OF. THIS. Like damn, can we have a minute?!? Get on that couch girl!!
This, right here, connecting with others about the awkward parts of life makes me feel so good! So much better. Thank you!!!
(I just think that all feet are disgusting. Even the most polished. I just can’t 🫠)
Ah, thank you.I needed an interaction like this today. And honestly, I would genuinely love to have every single one of these conversations. Antique brass, plants, and all.
Practical question! How does one start a more meaningful conversation. We're not always feeling our most brave and charming.
Like... "Say, what are you into these days?" "WHATS YOUR DEAL, CAROLINE?" :DD
My apartment is overrun with antique brass 🤣
But you’ve hit my weak spot…I don’t know. Maybe you just dive in head first? Am I just complaining without a solution, you bet! So on brand for me lolol
Maybe you have to do what I do with my mother in law and just go first before they have a chance, and just take the reins of the conversation... if they don't have a chance to say anything they won't be able to ask weird questions 🤭🤭
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I feel for you because I suffer from what I call the 'ricochet' effect. My son is single by choice. He's smart, has a great job, a busy social life, a house and he's happy! Yet my friends and extended family often sidle up to the question they're dying to ask, "Soooo, does Eric have a girlfriend yet?" No, he doesn't! But the fact that he doesn't want a relationship and children, like their sons or daughters do, doesn't mean he's lonely and miserable. He's building a life that's right for him. It sounds like you are too, so you go, girl!
Linda, I’m so glad you left this comment! My mom called me a few weeks ago to complain about these questions and being in a similar position, having to swat off all these questions about her child. She was the one who suggested I write something about it!! Thank you so much!!
YES!!!
Marriage and kids are beautiful, and I find talking about them incredibly dull. It’s such low-hanging fruit that it tells me almost nothing about the person. I think it makes people who haven’t done the work of defining who they are on their terms more comfortable, which I understand, but also…try a little harder. Be a little braver. Asking someone who isn’t married or has children about marriage and children is like asking a woman if she’s pregnant…just don’t. (And this is coming from someone who is getting married 🙋🏻♀️) My choices are my own, but that doesn’t mean someone else wants to do the same. 💥❤️🔥
And the foot thing…😂😂😂😂 I LOVE YOU. I like feet when they are freshly washed.
Don’t box us in!! Because we will bust right out!
But yes to all of this!! I would literally rather you read me to absolute filth. That would be more exciting and less predictable. And I think the thing that I hate most is that because it hasn’t happened yet, people start to assume it’ll never happen…just stop!! For example— you and Joe!!! Finding that magic takes time. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
(Delilah and I equally hate feet. Even super clean ones with a cute polish 🤣)
👏👏👏 precisely!! It does take so much time. It’s probably why so many marriages fail because people are jumping into them instead of finding out what they want and need first. If I got married at 29, 30… I’d probably be divorced by now 😬😂
My parents met when my mom was like 14……can you even imagine?!?!?
ABSOLUTELY NOT and also THATS AMAZING
Ugh thanks for naming this, I'm definitely feeling you on this entire struggle. I've gotten to the point where I have a hard time even mentioning when I'm dating someone new, as that seems to open the floodgates of questions I don't want to answer.
I really appreciating the naming of the questioners probably just wanting to connect, just doing it with the wrong questions. One thing I've really tried to lean into lately is asking questions along the lines of "So what's really alive for you right now?", "What are you super excited for / looking forward to these days?", or even "What's been a big struggle over the last couple months, if you'd be open to talking about that?". Open ended, yet hopefully getting into more connection and sparking some excitement or emotion, instead of asking something really specific. And it gives the person I'm questioning a bit more autonomy about how deep they do or don't want to go. Still an experiment, but I'm enjoying the results so far.
I’ve felt those floodgates open too!! But I love these questions. They are specific yet open ended so people can take it wherever feels natural to them. Hope it’s okay that I steal some for my daily life 😄
You stealing them would only bring me joy, hope they do they job!
Aunt Margaret and my mom would make great friends. Can’t casually talk about someone without the, “Ohhh, is this someone special?” And if they are indeed just a friend, they lose all intrinsic value.
Hahahaha laughing to keep from crying! That is relatable as hell.
"…reaching for connection through a template, missing the real person sitting right in front of them" – that is such a good description. It's one step removed from questions about the weather, the easiest thing to reach for, but without really acknowledging who you're talking to. Sorry you're on the receiving end of such tone deaf questions, Caroline.
Aww thanks so much Wendy! It's fine...just a rant I needed to write my way through!
I get it. Sometimes if you get those same people one-on-one you find they're not really interested in the "template" either and if you can both get past that hurdle, you're into much more interesting territory. But it can take a lot of effort to budge the conversation into a different gear. And some are just unbudgeable!
YES, I completely agree with this!!
Were Margaret and Bob former subscribers?!
Ahahaha definitely not!
I love this so much Caroline. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are so many more interesting conversations to be had! I love how you approach the questioners with understanding too, I think it’s such an important part of nudging people to change. You understand that it’s not coming from a bad place but nevertheless it’s got to stop. Beautifully articulated. 👏
Yes! I think it’s so important to acknowledge when people mean well…and offer them a bit of honesty about what it feels like to be on the other side of the questions.
Ahhh being a human!!!
I have something in drafts I need to work on similar to this but within the baby loss community. “When will you try for another?” The dreaded question for bereaved parents asked by well meaning people.
Thanks for sharing this post!
Such a painful question!! Thank you for sharing. I hope you share that piece with us 🤍
“I’m not just craving a new kind of conversation — I’m practically begging for it. The kind sparked by real curiosity, that celebrates each person, our unique paths and unplanned joys. The kind that breaks us free from scripted stories and lets us see each other, instead of the boxes we’re supposed to check.” Aaaaanndd this is why I’m getting divorced 🤣🫣🫣 I’ve realised this is like oxygen for me. I’ve spent years without this kind of conversation, within my marriage, at least. It sounds like Aunt Margaret has, too?! Thank you for writing this. It’s raw and real and honest ❤️
Katie, thank you so much!!! You will have tons of these conversations ahead! I just know it. Thank you for being here😊
I really want to! I’d rather see into the depths of someone’s soul than chat about the weather 😂 I’m glad to have connected with you here 😊
YES!! Me too!!!
Say it louder, Caroline! I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around the ‘right’ comment filled with the ‘right’ words. But hell, your fire and frustration and that spark that makes you *you* rang true throughout this and rocked my world. I know who I’d want to be seated next to at Thanksgiving and it’s not Aunt Margaret.
Oh my goodness!! Thank you!!! Cheers to making people uncomfortable 🤣
True
Beautifully written, so rich, expressive, comprehensive all the while being deliciously funny! Wow! You nailed it. I could talk endlessly about this topic, preferably with some very good wine as an accompaniment. It’s funny. It’s sad. It’s painful. The Haves and the Have Nots. Except that the Haves keep looking over enviously at the Have Nots. So it can be “Poor you” or “Why, what still no one…”, OR “you don’t know how lucky you are”. The grass isn’t always greener but gee that’s not to say I wouldn’t mind the occasional shrub. Bravo Caroline ! (Goes off with macchiato in hand to read about the Oxford Comma…)
Ahhhhh thank you for this!!! I agree completely!!! Also macchiatos are the superior choice! ❤️🤍🫂
i never saw the "oxford comma" thing coming....truly
🤪
So you’ve learned a thing or two about me over the year 🤣
I absolutely love the fact that you recognize what they are missing but trying to shoehorn you into a traditional template…that you are so much more than that. What a holiday it would be if we skip all the inquiries and go straight to “what celebrity would you most like to stay up all night with?” or “what piece of advice do you wish you knew earlier in life?” Or the Oxford comma, but the only correct answer is YES.
You rock, Caroline. Keep being exactly yourself because you’re a gem 💎
Ahhhhhhh now I’ve got to print these questions out on notecards and hand them out this Christmas!
Thanks for the continuous encouragement!! And sharing your path 🤍
Why do I get the feeling if I was behind Aunt Margaret in the checkout line I’d know her life story — and yours — before anyone asks: paper or plastic? We were married 14 years before we became interesting and had kids, so we can relate
Busting out of these roles!!!!
Great writing here. Sorry you get asked that during the family get togethers. I for one don’t ever remember being asked if I planned to get married or have kids by family members in my younger years. I don’t know what that says about me. Though I imagine it’s because there are other people in the extended family who never married or have kids. My mom does get curious about her adult grandkids getting married, but she likes kids and would love to have a great grandkid to spoil before she passes away.
I’m glad to hear that was your experience and every familiar does have its own little culture. I do think southern traditions also make this question pop up a lot for my people….
Thanks for the support ☺️