It seems that you have unpacked this rather well. Only one word comes to my mind-forgiveness. And maybe look into the benefits of having grown up stronger by not being the favorite child. But I’m writing this without coffee, and about to drive all day in the rain, and with no homegrown tomatoes. I’ll have something to think about while I’m doing it. Thanks for another beautifully written piece, Caroline!
Thank you, as always! I so appreciate your kind, honest comments. If only forgiveness was as easy as I want it to be...I'll be enjoying a day of rain on my end. Stay safe.
"im so excited" says it all about your new journey with your mother Caroline and no doubt she is equally excited and proud of you for following your own path and embracing your own bountiful gifts and becoming the woman you want to be and have always deserved to be ...
how and why we get permission to say the things we do to the ones we love so fiercely may never be adequately parsed by myself except they are like extensions of our own limbs, which while divorced from our own nerve endings are acting independently grrrrrrrr and lol xox
Ooooh I had to reread this second paragraph...thank you! It's because the love is so fierce that I'm not able to just move on, I guess? I need us to sit together in acknowledgment.
-- “I’m proud of our progress and our complicated dance through life, even though I’m not always proud of my actions or words…” – As I said earlier today to Appleton, in my view progress often is not a linear path, but it’s always a laudable destination. I love this piece because it explores how sensible, flawed and noble our beings can be, Caroline. I also love the tomatoes reference : ) I posted a story on Instagram yesterday with my little ones here. Oh God, they are so good for skin and so fun to eat! I would send you some if I could, but I don’t think they could even be shipped from here at all, since they are totally organic. Xo.
"why am I so comfortable saying something that I know will hurt her? Do I want to hurt her in retribution for what I felt decades ago"--
I find myself walking a thin line between acknowledging valid feelings/ holding them accountable for those feelings, with giving grace for not knowing how to gently navigate those feelings themselves. It's a minefield out here, and for some reason, there's an odd itch to stomp on a mine every now and then.
Yes, I agree! There is some weird compulsion that keeps us wanting to mess things up every now and again. I wonder if that has to do with “the happiness threshold” that I’ve been reading about. Thank you!
I’m finding it strange to heal from things that were born from a place of love, a place of wanting to shield and protect. And also wanting to maintain compassion for people I know we’re doing the best that they were capable of. Can I just stop being the punisher? Is it that easy?
It seems that you have unpacked this rather well. Only one word comes to my mind-forgiveness. And maybe look into the benefits of having grown up stronger by not being the favorite child. But I’m writing this without coffee, and about to drive all day in the rain, and with no homegrown tomatoes. I’ll have something to think about while I’m doing it. Thanks for another beautifully written piece, Caroline!
Thank you, as always! I so appreciate your kind, honest comments. If only forgiveness was as easy as I want it to be...I'll be enjoying a day of rain on my end. Stay safe.
Honest, thoughtful, and beautifully written. Are you going to show your mother this?
Thank you, I so appreciate it! That’s a tough one...maybe one day!
"im so excited" says it all about your new journey with your mother Caroline and no doubt she is equally excited and proud of you for following your own path and embracing your own bountiful gifts and becoming the woman you want to be and have always deserved to be ...
how and why we get permission to say the things we do to the ones we love so fiercely may never be adequately parsed by myself except they are like extensions of our own limbs, which while divorced from our own nerve endings are acting independently grrrrrrrr and lol xox
-- God, this one made me think hard. Was it payback day?
ohhhh no you are FAR ahead on that score sweetheart
Ooooh I had to reread this second paragraph...thank you! It's because the love is so fierce that I'm not able to just move on, I guess? I need us to sit together in acknowledgment.
My heart... I see you in your pain as a little girl. You are worthy of all the love. And it's ok to still feel the pain.
It's a hard place to be, to acknowledge that there may be no "bad guy" in the story, but that doesn't mean that no one got hurt.
Thank you, I so appreciate you and your kind words. It's so odd healing from "mistakes" that weren't intentional.
-- “I’m proud of our progress and our complicated dance through life, even though I’m not always proud of my actions or words…” – As I said earlier today to Appleton, in my view progress often is not a linear path, but it’s always a laudable destination. I love this piece because it explores how sensible, flawed and noble our beings can be, Caroline. I also love the tomatoes reference : ) I posted a story on Instagram yesterday with my little ones here. Oh God, they are so good for skin and so fun to eat! I would send you some if I could, but I don’t think they could even be shipped from here at all, since they are totally organic. Xo.
The progress is the whole point, right? And we’re still going to muck up along the way. Thank you as always for your wonderful kindness!
-- Definitely!
you never offered ME any of those tomatoes!!! btw listen to guy clark "homegrown tomatoes" ? !
-- Hahaha!! I will listen to the song!
"why am I so comfortable saying something that I know will hurt her? Do I want to hurt her in retribution for what I felt decades ago"--
I find myself walking a thin line between acknowledging valid feelings/ holding them accountable for those feelings, with giving grace for not knowing how to gently navigate those feelings themselves. It's a minefield out here, and for some reason, there's an odd itch to stomp on a mine every now and then.
Yes, I agree! There is some weird compulsion that keeps us wanting to mess things up every now and again. I wonder if that has to do with “the happiness threshold” that I’ve been reading about. Thank you!
I’m finding it strange to heal from things that were born from a place of love, a place of wanting to shield and protect. And also wanting to maintain compassion for people I know we’re doing the best that they were capable of. Can I just stop being the punisher? Is it that easy?